Everything Happens for a Reason…

I really do believe that everything really does happen for a reason. Once upon a time, I thought that I needed to know what that reason was. Now, that part isn’t so important to me anymore. Whatever the reason may be, will reveal itself whenever it’s meant to. Again, that too will happen for a reason. I can talk this in circles until I’m blue in the face, I’m sure. I just wanted to mention that after I’d been fortunate enough to spend a great day with a long time friend. I mean, I feel so grateful to even still be here. Anything after that is gravy, really. But, things in life, still, are rarely simple and never easy. I feel extraordinarily fortunate to have made the connections that I have over my almost 40 years. I may not have made many friends but I think that, over the years, I’ve managed to make the right ones.

So many Judgements…

People’s judgements crack me up, really. How can you say that it’s ‘okay’ or ‘acceptable’ for someone to use medication assisted therapy, such as Methadone or Suboxone to help them through opiate addiction, although, for someone to use prescribed marijuana is unacceptable to use for that or any other ailments really makes me laugh. They are usually the quickest people to swear they are “cured” from ‘active addiction’, in my past experiences, anyway. I really hate to generalize because I hate when others do it. Apologies. All I’m trying to say is: isn’t that what’s wrong in the first place? I truly believe that each recovery needs to be tailored to every single individual. And what that individual needs needs to be reevaluated periodically for optimal success. But, what do I know? I’m just some crazy ex-junkie that does nothing but smoke a lot of weed these days. Again, thanks for reading.

Another Big Day for me…

I was asked last week if I minded being interviewed for Pathways to Housing PA. Of course, I agreed immediately to it. I was so nervous about it, though. It has been so long since I’d done anything like that. I’m sure that, in reality, there were multiple factors contributing to my anxiety. I wanted everything to be as “perfect”  as possible. I rarely have anyone visit. Plus, I had a busy weekend last week that I was still trying to calm down from. I even had my one therapist give me her opinion the day before my interview since it was her first time doing a home visit and I wanted her first impression. I think I was a bit more on edge because it had been so long since I’d some anything similar to this due to Covid-19 restrictions. Luckily, now that restrictions are beginning to get lifted and since I’ve been vaccinated, this was able to happen. I was so glad that I had support from my “team” throughout. I must’ve asked a couple times this week if someone was going to be able to be there with me.

I think it went well. I hope so, anyway. I was nervous at first, but I try not to let it show as best I can. I also try to do my best to help others feel comfortable so, hopefully, I was able to do that for them. I had a good time with them here. It helps that they were all easy going personalities that seemed to mesh well with my own. As I mentioned, it’s very rare that I have company or visitors. So, it was fun for me. You gotta remember, just by sharing some of my own experiences just may help someone else. So, I was excited to be able to have the opportunity to do just that. Especially, after not being able to for the last year. Fingers crossed. Thanks so much again for following my craziness.

Unexpected Blessings are the Best

I noticed only shortly beforehand that my housing program had planned on going down to Franklin Square to play mini golf on Friday. I asked my daughter of she’s might be interested in going with me and she said that she would. I’ve been wanting to do “sober” activities with her since I’ve been discharged from the hospital after my accident. I know that she’s adjusting to her medication and trying super hard to be able to do these types of things with me, but I, honestly, didn’t expect her to be ready to handle that much just yet. I’m so amazed and unbelievably proud of her. Now, it didn’t go completely smooth, of course. But, given the situation being what it is, she handled everything amazingly. She planned on staying over the weekend, too, which was a surprise to me, as well. The mini golf was so much fun. I felt like a little kid I was so excited. I even got a hole in one on the hole that looks like where the Rocky statue is at the art museum. That was so cool. After the game, we all ate lunch before heading home. A while after everyone had left and I was home, my daughter contacted me and we arranged to meet near my house. I’m still basically lost around my neighborhood. So, it only makes sense that she’s not used too the area either. I met her at the bus stop. She came with me to pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy on the way back to my house. We love Disney movies so we watched Moana together since she’d never seen it before. I knew she’d love it as much as I do.

Saturday we were surprised with a phone call from my granddaughter and we both were able to see and speak with her. That has only happened one other time for me, so I was so happy. Then Saturday evening, my best friend since I was 13 stopped by for a surprise visit on her way home from visiting family. We always have such a great time together. The Dynamics are just unbelievable between the three of us I think. We all decided to go take a walk up to Chickie’s and Pete’s to get dinner. It’s only about a half hour walk from my house so the the of us went in a mission. We had such a great time. I mean, we always do, but it’s been so long since all of us were together hanging out.

Sunday, I get to talk to my baby sister (who’s my granddaughter’s age by the way…lol) I love talking to her. We were talking about the newest Disney movie “Raya and the Last Dragon” since she’d just watched it with our Oma (German for grandma) just the day before. I was already trying to watch it again since my daughter hadn’t seen it yet. I was trying to watch it with her before she went home. Unfortunately, well just have to try again next time. She was ready to get home I’m sure after being stuck with me for a couple days. I was also surprised and blessed with a couple boxes full of food, also. I cannot express how grateful I feel that things seem to be working themselves out somehow. Plus, it was so nice having her here AT ALL… Let Alone for THE WHOLE WEEKEND!!!!! I cannot say enough how proud I am of my daughter. I also cannot thank her enough for such a wonderful weekend. It was a bit bumpy, but it’s okay, we got this🧘‍♀️

Crazy Realization…

I have spent these past couple months, especially, working on myself harder than I’ve ever done before. Looking inward and seeing yourself for what you REALLY are is DAMN HARD!!! I try my best to share what I struggle with and go through, as well as my accomplishments, of course. But, I’ve began meditating regularly and doing some type of exercise daily in order to help KEEP me healthy. I actually am Healthy for the first time (aside from some of my medical issues) in a really long time. Bigger than ever, but HEALTHY. I was watching the Demi Lovato Youtube Documentary Special where she talks about her overdose on 2018 & how serious it was & where she’s at now. She’s trying to share her own message to help others from experiencing similar events, but most importantly, for herself. It’s also the first time I could really relate to some of her “story” & saw the fear in her. Seeing that in her had triggered me to realize that the fear I’ve had since my accident has been of MYSELF! I think it helped me to realize how afraid of what I, now, know I’m CAPABLE of that I thought I’d NEVER do. That fear has kept me from falling back into old habits, though. I’ve been able to create new, healthier habits. Now, I’m FAR from perfect, and others can say what they want about my using medical marijuana or whatever I do. Luckily, this is MY LIFE and NOBODY else’s opinion is even relevant. 💚😁💚

2 months cigarette free

I really thought nothing would ever get me to stop smoking cigarettes. On April 10th, 2021 I officially made it to 2 months completely cigarette free. I’m so glad that I finally did quit, though. What seemed like immediately after my stress level skyrocketed in my relationship and living situation. I TRULY believe that everything happens for a reason. That was my 2nd real attempt at quitting cigarettes EVER. But, if, and I do mean IF I were to relapse on ANYTHING, it would’ve been a cigarette instead of other hard drugs. So far, so good. Now, as I’d mentioned before, the issues in my relationship we unresolvable. I’m gonna keep saying how proud of myself I am, because I could have let all of those external factors influence me to go “backwards” but was able to use it to help push me even further into doing better than I even expected. It’s almost as if I would set myself up for failure before. Thankfully, instead, I am “blocking” myself  from messing up wherever possible. I’m surprising myself more than it would even be possible for anyone else. I’ve even kept busy with my new routine of meditation, music, and yoga. I just figured I’d mention this, since I, too, forget sometimes. 😁

Just a little Rant

I’m sorry but I really have to express myself about some feelings I have about how well my level of honesty does in some social situations. I’m always super honest about my fk ups. Now, if anyone cared to hear about how I had a kid at 16, but did not even apply for food stamps (not cash assistance) until I was 28…. and was DENIED the first time. Or how I rented my first house at 17, bought a house at 21 and was clean off of all drugs for over 17 years before relapsing. Or that my Dad was a great Dad, although abused prescription opiates, so I avoid all prescriptions because of it. I really could be like I once was and most people who aren’t so honest about their shortcomings. But, I’m not that way nor do I want to be. I’ve FINALLY “slowed down” enough to enjoy some of what life’s got to offer. I always “rushed” to get material things for my family and myself but it was NEVER enough or good enough. I had to get hit by a car at the lowest point in my life to get me to see all the things I should have appreciated more. I’ll never have enough time to remedy all my past mistakes, unfortunately. It’s the first time I’m really actively  trying to enjoy life more whether it’s for the next couple years or the next couple decades. It’s not easy at all, but I’m working on it. Sometimes, I just feel as if I’m persecuted for being honest about my shortcomings and treated differently than others because of it. I’m generally happy and doing way better than I thought I would all by myself, and meditation really is helping a lot. The way I am just doesn’t seem to “fit” in some social situations. Good thing I’m getting even better at not giving a shit about what others think about me. Rant over. Thank you for letting me share😜

Making the most of my “Bonus” Days…

I’m not really sure how I’ve managed to take things slower than I used to. Perhaps, getting hit by that vehicle was just exactly what it needed at that time in my life to slow me down enough to learn how to enjoy life again. Believe it or not, I compare my life after the accident to being so much like a child all over again in so many ways. Not all ways are fun, but nonetheless so similar to how I learned as a child. I had so many material things when I was younger, but still wasn’t happy. It was never enough. Since the accident, I don’t have much of anything, but I have ALL of what I NEED. That’s been so important to helping keep me grateful for all of these “Bonus” days I’ve been given at life.

Doing better than expected

In all honesty, I’m probably more surprised than anyone else could be when it comes to how well I’m still doing in my recover(ies). I’ve managed to quit smoking cigarettes, opiates, & cocaine, plus I’m still recovering from the Traumatic Brain Injury I sustained in October 2018. I’ve been so fortunate that I would feel as if I’d be “spitting in God’s face” if I didn’t do my absolute best. I still have a lot of support, thankfully. I have, and will continue, to use every “tool” I have available to me in order to keep me heading in the “right” direction. I am still ensuring I get my daily meditation in reach morning to start my day. I still find it difficult to reach out, but fear the alternative even more. That fear has helped to ensure that I do, indeed, reach out when needed. I have been thinking about how each small step I’ve taken in the “right” direction has brought me as far as it has. I am so glad for every hardship I’ve gotten through for helping me become stronger. It’s as if I was given a chance to start over and do better. I’m just doing all I can to ensure that I make the best possible use of the opportunity I’ve been given. I still have a lot of damage to try and repair, but I’m making progress, at least. Slow but steady.

Brain Injury Awareness Month

So, apparently, March is Brain Injury Awareness Month. I’m still struggling with some things associated with my Brain Injury, although I’ve been fortunate to be recovering as well as I am. My injury occurred about 2 1/2 years ago when I was struck buy a moving vehicle while I was a pedestrian. I spent 6 weeks in a coma and when I woke, I had to relearn to speak, stand, walk, etc. I am embarrassed to admit it, but, I didn’t even recognize my younger daughter when she came to see me at the hospital. I still can’t help but cry every time I think of how awful that must’ve been for my Baby Girl. I’m still just being able to explain myself better and control my emotions and anger better. I really think that meditation and self reflection has made a huge difference in my recovery. Hopefully, that will only improve more over time. It’s a long road, but I could use the longer walk, I think. I’ll get to smell some of the flowers on the way, maybe.

2018

2021

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